Apparently writing the first real blog post here is akin to writing the first lines or chapter of a novel. That is to say much thought about, written and rewritten several times in ones head, and all deemed not good enough yet to commit to paper. But, sometimes you just have to jump in or you’ll never get started. Which is how I’ve come to find myself laying in bed composing this on my phone (my iPad had the nerve to run out of juice) listening to Ema purr contentedly by my side.
Work this week was mostly like any other week though I think my frustration with the lack of communication, general willingness of people to go along with the “higher ups” decisions and priorities, which so often make no sense for those of us on the ground, just because they’re in a higher position / come with a fancy title (they’re just people come on), and the continued confusion about this new role I’ve been assigned (a role they won’t put paper work through to officially grant me a new title) is no longer something I can easily hide. I am, by nature, a very expressive person and this all could go one of two ways: 1) lauded for speaking my mind and finally have people listen to me or 2) leave for a new job.
I sincerely hope it isn’t the second because I don’t feel I’m done learning all I can there and I genuinely like most of the people I work with. They’re some of the most dedicated and hard-working people I’ve had the privilage to work alongside. I’ve been there for a little over two years and they’ve been ones of considerable change and growth within the company so we’ll see. I know the company is still trying to find solid footing and it has so much potential. I’m just not sure my sanity can see it through. I’m a bit of a work-a-holic who thrives on a semi-unhealthy level of stress, so when I say something like that it should serve to give a pretty decent picture of what a spectacular cluster-eff my weeks have been like lately.
On the personal front things are a bit different. Last weekend was a pretty rough one emotionally. I could blame the fact it was Mother’s Day weekend and just gloss over it, but it was so much more than that. I spent all of Saturday in bed, lost in my own turbulent thoughts. Sunday I woke up and had a serious conversation with myself. So you’re unhappy… About what? What is within your power to change? What can you change now? What can you work to change later? And, because I am a planner, I came up with one.
Work: (In Progress) Speak up more, make myself heard, offer solutions, don’t just call attention to the rediculouslness of things. If I end up going down… go down swinging.
House: (Plan in Place) I like my house. It’s the first house I purchased and I did it alone a little over two years ago. But, it was during a time when I needed to find a place I could afford, not a place where I really wanted to be. The result is now I cannot stand my neighbors and rarely go outside if they’re out. So, instead of saving to make all the changes to this place, I’ve come up with a plan to make this a rental property in 8 years and save money until then so I can afford a place I really love.
Relationship: (Dependent on Other Factors) Or, lack there of. Most days I’m completely fine being single and prefer going it alone because I am so independent. I’m honestly not sure if I am so independent because I’ve always had to be or if it’s just the way I am. I think it’s been about a year and a half since my last relationship? I wouldn’t really classify that one as a relationship though. I’ll probably write a letter about relationships at some point. But, sometimes the lonliness creeps in with such a fierceness it can steal the air out of my chest. I thought I’d have a family by now. I’d always planned to have kids by 30. Not in the cards I guess. I have been thinking about fostering, but I’m not sure I can handle that as a “single mom” with as much as I work. Thinking about relationships made me look really hard at myself and my health. I don’t think I could in good conscious ask someone to be with me and not be the best version of myself, happy with myself, and as healthy as I could be so I could actually be around for a while. Leading to the next one…
Health: (In Progress) Overweight and unhappy, so very tired of being tired. I spent half my savings on Tuesday and joined a gym. I also signed up to have a trainer once a week. I really feel like I need someone to check in with weekly especially since I don’t have anyone to go with. The monthly fees are going to kill me, but in the end it will be worth it. I think when I reach my half way point I’m going to take myself on vacation. I’d love to go to the mountains and be able to hike without being so out of shape and miserable. I’m cautiously optimistic… but, so far so good!
Creativity: (In Progress) I work a lot. Too much sometimes and because of that my creative side suffers. When my creative side suffers, my mental health suffers. It took me a long time to find that connection, but now that I have I need to make sure to incorporate creativity into my life! I like to paint and try to go to a painting class at least every two months when I can afford it. I also like to craft things and lately I’ve been getting enough of that with all the baby blankets I’ve been working on. Ha. Reading… oh how I miss it. That one is especially hard for me because once I start to read, the rest of the world ceases to exist and before I know it, it’s time to get up for work. That’s happened more times than I can count. Writing. A true passion of mine that will only get better if I actually do it, hence this blog.
Now it’s late and the iPad is charged enough to post this letter so I’m going to get it live and pass out for the night.